previous page



i opened my door and she was standin' there. drunk. goin' on about some chick at the lusty lady. how she was hittin' on her and they kicked her out. said, 86'd, don't come back. i didn't want to know about it. i felt this creepiness in my gut. like i was next in line to give a book report in grade school. she scared me that way. her bein' drunk like that.

five years later i ran into her workin' at the whole earth out on bayshore. she said hey, wanna get together some time. i said yeah. here's our number. maybe come to dinner. no way i was havin' her over without my girlfriend. but then she went and called one night when my girlfriend was away.

so there i was standin' at the stove cookin' somethin' i don't know spaghetti maybe. and she comes up behind me and grabs my ass and says something lewd like i'd grown a girl's ass or somethin'. course i was scared and turned-on all at the same time. shit. why does that happen? seems i'm always getting the wrong feelings at the wrong times.

i tried to pretend it was no big deal and acted all cool. she was drunk enough not to care i guess. later, after eating, she grabs me on the couch and kisses me and i didn't stop her. see i'd had some wine at dinner and my fear just melted away.

only later i felt scared and ashamed of myself. after she left. and the next morning. and for the next couple weeks. i signed up for free counseling through work. i was afraid i was an alcoholic or something worse. therapist was pretty lame. kept on takin' phone calls during the session.

next time i saw her was more than ten years later. she'd run into my brother on valencia and he gave me her cell number. took me two months to get up the nerve to call. i was already fantasizing about our life together. only i was with another girlfriend then. when i called she was at a motel 6. on the road for work. right away she's flirting with me. and i felt that same thrill like i did before at the stove. only this time i wasn't shamed.

couple weeks later she meets me down on 7th street. i see her through the glass door. her hair real long and almost orange in the october sun. she's wear'n cowboy boots and brown pants and a big cowboy belt buckle. her shirt un-snapped halfway up her belly. upstairs, she sat on my couch with her long legs spread out real wide and her arm all stretched out along the back of the couch like some tough chick from high school. i could see her brown skin way up past her belly button.

i said, let's go for a walk. every inch of my skin wanted to be naked against that brown skin of hers. we circled the blocks maybe five times. and the feeling only got worse. it seemed like the world had gone all psychedelic. those yellow flowers next to the orange rusted wall. like everything was on fire.

then she touched me. just lightly on the back of my neck and i knew then i had to be with her. like really with her. lovers. married. all of it. before she left i kissed her standing next to her beat up car, all spray painted black on one side. gypsies down in fremont tried to fix a big dent while back, she says, and she liked it that way.












next page